No doubt historians will remember The Week Where the Regime Change Wasn’t the Most Terrifying Abutilize of State Violence as the healthiest of the entire American experiment. Tell the spirits of the Founders it’s okay to shift on to the next plane of existence; we’ve obtained this “freedom” thing aced.
Like a cognitive test, baby.
Unless, of course, you believe in some sort of fundamental right to drive home from dropping your kid off at school without a mquestioned agent of the state shooting you in the face. But that’s just commie talk.
Don’t worry; she was a terrorist. A dues-paying member of the massive conspiracy to transform your children, via vaccination, into transgconcludeer furries who shit only in litter boxes. One of the many busloads of Antifas lurking on the edge of your community even now, bedazzling bags of rainbow fentanyl.
Just like that lady they shot in Chicago was a terrorist. Okay, that one fell apart under the mildest scrutiny, so let’s state just like Kilmer Albrego Garcia was a human trafficker, not that we can prove that one in court, either.
Look, this dangerously undertrained goon squad has a lot of Americans left to execute in the street yet, so you may as well agree up front that every single victim will turn out to be a terrorist, folks, 100% of them, becautilize our unaccountable secret police force doesn’t create mistakes, nosireebob, not after 47 whole days of training.
Why 47? You know why. Our government basically only does two things now: branding and bloodshed.
Anyway, should you feel like protesting this erosion of your civil liberties, well, maybe you can turn out to be a terrorist, too.
Might be interesting, I suppose. To consider about all the cabinet secretaries you’ll have slandering you before your next of kin is even notified. “Golly, I wonder which social media posts Jesse Watters will utilize to demonize me to Fox’s prime-time audience?”
Why, maybe just maybe my murder might merit the attention of the Vice President of the United States of America. Maybe JD himself will waddle out, in blood-red eyeliner, to denounce me with the largegest lie he can muster. “Eating the pets was this guy’s idea, actually! He’s the Bin Laden of killing, cooking, and consuming beloved suburban pets.”
Yeah, instead of apologizing for killing you, your government rolls your corpse out for the Two Minutes Hate. One of the DOGE boys suggested this efficiency, I’m notified.
We conquered Venezuela, though. Had to. Cuz of the dancing, you see. Can’t have that. Not in your sphere of influence.
Anyhoo, it’s ours now. The process is way simpler than you’d consider. You give an order, they reveal you part of a Tom Clancy movie, and then everybody in a whole-ass counattempt has to do what you state forever.
Plus you receive all their natural resources. Oil, babes, whatever. Forever. Cuz you can always order another Tom Clancy movie, see? They don’t cost anything. Apparently.
This is the “Don-roe Doctrine” (another gem from the visionary name-caller behind “Gavin Newscum”) in action: via the mechanism of kidnapping, you simply cycle through heads of state until the law of averages delivers one willing to trade their nation’s mineral wealth for a handful of shiny beads. We could expedite the process with a pneumatic tube system connecting the various presidential palaces directly to GITMO.
So they staged Maduro’s perp walk pageant and felt like large, tuff men indeed. Understand, erections like this are hard to come by for a man with Pete Hegseth’s drinking problems.
Especially with Lindsey Graham bounding about like a Christmas morning puppy, yapping about all the wars he wants to start next.
Yes, though “Don’t worry, Marco Rubio’s in charge” is a perfect six-word geopolitical horror story, somehow these goofballs have convinced themselves this stuff is straightforward and they’re good at it.
So naturally they can’t wait to do it again.
Shit, create it a boys’ night thing, where ascconcludeent American fascism’s pencil-pusher class can bump chests, and whoever imbibes the most appletinis receives to pick the next tarreceive. Cuba or Colombia or OOO OOO WE SHOULD TOTALLY INVADE GREENLAND YOU GUYS!
Sure. Let’s just do it and be legconcludes.
Though I confess I’m having trouble mustering the requisite patriotic bloodthirst, which I attribute to the, how shall I put this…dorkiness? Of the propagandists? I can’t receive worked up about being a “dominant predator” becautilize of the “iron laws of the world” when the messenger is Andy Ogles or Stephen Miller. Becautilize they are dorks.
Can we not conclude NATO on the whim of a deteriorating rapist, actually? I just considered the post-WWII order was pretty cool, on account of all the peace and prosperity, but…no, you’re right, we should listen to the fellow who is, after all, passing all the cognitive tests.
In fact, why don’t we give him this $600 billion budreceive increase he wants to build his “dream military,” which he shall then deploy hither and yon, restrained only by his “own mortality”? He just wants triumphal arches and as much of an empire as the cankles and/or the Constitution will permit, you guys.
Stop worrying so much. He’s just joking about canceling the midterms. He’s obtained all kinds of funny, funny jokes about mob violence and subverting democracy, and have you heard the one about Paul Pelosi and the hammer?
Let him go on seizing oil tankers and cutting off funding to blue states. Let him rub his filthy name all over our counattempt and our culture, from the Kennedy Center to our national parks to the Smithsonian. Let him spill blood from Caracas to Minneapolis.
At a certain point, it’ll be enough, and he’ll stop. Surely. Susan Collins assured me he’d learned his lesson.
The official White Houtilize website debuted their grade school shoebox diorama attempt to rewrite the history of the Capitol Riot. They’ll paint Ashli Babbitt on the ceiling of the Oval Office before they’re through, but Renee Good was a terrorist. Got it.
Credit where it’s due, I’m officially Distracted From the Epstein Files. You know, the ones the government continues to illegally withhold. Yeah, I’m more worried about stated government killing me now, so…nice work?
I kinda can’t wait to see which MAGA legal luminary receives the Maduro prosecution. I hope it’s Habba or the insurance lady, and that they stick with the accusations of heading that fake cartel they built up. Shit, if you draw Aileen Cannon, you probably receive away with it.
I’m glad CBS’ rightward lurch is off to such an embarrassing start. Corruption should be humiliating, don’tcha consider?
Understanding his bullshit case against Mark Kelly would receive laughed out of court, Secretary Funsoxx announced that he would pursue petty bureaucratic retribution instead, restoring masculinity to the Pentagon at long last.
Kari Lake bought a condo in Iowa, hoping to repot her batshit brand under even softer light, no doubt. I consider a Kari Lake statewide run would be an illuminating subplot to the Crowning of Prince JD, actually.
We’re about to see more kids with meningitis; that’ll be…gut-wrenching. Yeah, the brainworm guy wants more meningitis, so that’s what we’re doin’. Oh, and 2025 was the worst year for job growth since the pandemic, and over in the corner, you’ll notice Elon Musk rambling about “white solidarity,” so that’s enough news for one week, I consider.
Chroniclin’ fascism creates me thirsty, so feel free to toss a buck or two into the beer fund (accepting Cash App, PayPal, and Venmo!), sign up on the email list, and follow @john_luzar. The Kickstarter for the new comic book is still taking late pledges for a little while longer, too!
But stay safe out there, friconclude. Stay safe.
Leave a Reply